Inner Idealist vs. Inner Cynic

I remember the day I found out that Santa Claus isn't "real" in a fuzzy sort of way. I remember that I was in Kindergarten and we were taking a restroom break, I think after lunch, because it was in the "big" restroom rather than the small one that was actually in our classroom (like the "family" bathroom you find in some stores, just the one toilet and a sink in a small, tiled room).  Anyhow, there were some older girls, I believe that they were sixth graders, in the bathroom at the same time behaving generally like, well, mean older girls and two of them stood in front of the door and refused to move and I want to say that there were a half dozen of us kindergarten girls in there and they asked all of us if we believed in Santa (it was that time of year) and I recall all of us saying yes and then they told us that Santa wasn't real, he was your parents and I remember pretty much all of the kindergarteners being brought to tears by this as the older girls laughed.

This incident was followed by my stepfather's sage advice to "believe nothing that you hear and only half of what you see". It also set me down a path of questioning everything I believed. And yet, there is a part of my nature that really, really wants to believe the best of people and so my inner idealist and inner cynic are constantly at war.

I've "met" a great many people since I started blogging back in 2004. Some I know "in real life" and some are just "internet friends" but I do count some of the "internet friends" among my nearest and dearest. And I am still kicking myself for not driving down to meet Crissy after I officiated a wedding in Boston last year.

Some of the friends I've made have faded from the blogosphere... their blogs now gone and pretty much all traces of them having disappeared from the internet alltogether.  Their email addresses now in the clutches of the MailDaemon (who cruelly bounces emails back to you with a pithy note that I paraphrase as "this person doesn't like you anymore"). I wonder often what happened to these folks...I can understand giving up blogging because you don't have the time or maybe you don't feel like you have anything to say anymore but I have a harder time fathoming why you'd just walk away from friends.  I guess I "get" that many people don't feel that "internet friends" are "real" friends so why care how they feel when you're gone?

Except, behind every one of those "internet friends" there exists a real person. With real feelings. And, in a move I'll probably regret, I'll admit that I've cried to have lost some of these friends.  That I have spent hours wondering if there was something I could have done differently to forge a lasting friendship. And I know that there are people who are going to think (and maybe even comment) that my having done so was a huge waste of time and energy. And maybe you're right.  In at least one case, I feel like part of an experiment in human nature that went horribly awry...and I can't help but wonder why.  And I know that it's a question I'll likely never have an answer to... and yet... I just cannot bring myself to believe that they, like Santa, are just something I desperately want to believe is "real" if for no other reason than the way the inner cynic taunts me when she is right, which tends to keep me up at night.

One problem... but it's a BIG one!

Having once again become de-jobbed, I have pondered a number of options.  I have a dream scenario and then I have the scenario which forces me to accept the realities of life which means that the dream scenario (which takes time to build) is going to be put into motion, but things are just going to end up going a lot slower than I would really like.

I need to find a good, reliable, inexpensive webhost.  I need to file a couple of documents with the Secretary of State.  If I am reading the statutes right, I also have to file a document with the county I live in.  All of which costs money and while I know this is a situation where "It takes money to make money" there is really no wiggle room in my budget right now.

I've also discovered that I am very likely going this alone, which I am ok with, it just adds to the timeline because to get the desired results, more money will need to be spent.  I know, I know, if you have problems that can be solved with money, you only really have one problem.

And so... I am trying to wrap my head around creating a resume that reflects the fact that I am not just sitting idle while making myself marketable.  Again, having a professional to help me with resume rewriting is likely advisable but it is not, at this juncture, affordable.

So, that's what I will be working on.

Wish me luck!  (And if you know of a good, reliable, inexpensive webhost, let me know)

Random Insomnia Thoughts (AGAIN)

I was thinking about heading to bed and then thought that it has been quite a while since I blogged here and that maybe it would be a good idea for me to come and let everyone know I am still alive.

In what is a new record for me, I got laid off three weeks into my new job. Budget issues (AGAIN).  I wonder sometimes what my purpose in life really is, because obviously I either haven't found it yet or the answer is that I am paying off some wicked bad karmic debt incurred and every time I get a glimmer of hope that things are turning for the better, the karmic anvil bonks me on the head once again.

Still, I keep (perhaps stupidly) getting up and trying again.  So, I've started planning my next move and then...Way back in the beginning of April, I had applied for a position for a company that I've been interested in working for... it's the kind of job (being at a nonprofit organization) that I will never get rich doing but it's something that I would feel good about doing and feel like I am helping people and sometimes that's what's really important.  And then I didn't hear from them and accepted the other job and that, it seemed, was that.   So, today, as I was planning my little plans and working on getting things all set up for my new venture I open my email to find an interview request from them.  So now I have to decide whether I want to pursue my plans, pursue this other opportunity or what.  Is there a way things could work out that I could do both?  Am I counting my chickens before they hatch thinking about the "what-ifs" before I've even had an initial interview?

And with all of that spinning around in my brain, I'm going to head off to bed and see if I can get to sleep and maybe dream up something good!

Insomnia is not my friend...

I didn't accomplish nearly enough but I did get things done today (today now referring to Wednesday even though it is 2:40AM on Thursday... technicalities...sheesh).  I wrote a review I've been needing to write, I got a few (small) things done around the house.  I caught up with almost all of the phone calls I needed to catch up with (one of them is just not returning my calls and it's starting to tick me off).

I got a text message tonight from friend that said "you're busy on June 24th" and I replied "ok, it's duly noted on my calendar".  I have no clue WHY I'm busy on June 24th, only that it's on my calendar.  But sometimes in life you just learn to not ask a lot of questions and "go with the flow"... this is one of those times.

I have some errands I need to run tomorrow (today, whatever) and one of those errands (if successful) will allow me to work on a pending creative project.  I need to see if I have a hole punch around (related to that creative project) and I need to make sure my light table is working (also related). I sortve figure that getting creative is perhaps my only hope for income and I need to explore a couple of avenues to do some creative marketing.

But now, I'd best head to bed.  I have places to go and things to do in a few hours.

Schedule Mayhem

I'm not sleeping well lately and my schedule is all messed up.  I need to get up early tomorrow and here it is 1AM and I'm still awake.  About 4 this afternoon, though? I was SOOOO tired (and not at home nor anyplace I could nap).  Now that I'm home? WIDE AWAKE!  And I need to get up in the morning. *sigh*

Anyhow, I am attending a convention this weekend (signed up for it months ago, if I'd have known that I was going to be out of work when the convention came along I probably would have skipped it).  Now, there are some things to keep in mind..

For many months now, just about the only time I leave the house is to go on a job interview.  I'm not the most social person in the world normally but the last several months have added to my tendency to just stay at home.  Add to that the fact that this is a completely new situation and that I know only MrPOSSLQ at this convention and the fact that neither of us is the key demographic for this particular convention (I am being intentionally vague, but it's a totally "rated PG" thing...nothing NSFW or anything) and add in the fact that I have been  a virtual hermit for several months now and, well, it's a recipe for awkwardness.  As is a common theme in my life, I WANT to fit in and just DON'T.

I should try to get some sleep now.  I'm wondering if maybe some breakfast or a quick lunch tomorrow would make a difference in how the day goes.  I have suddenly been hit with a wave of exhaustion... let's hope it keeps up until I get into bed!

Not Marriage Material

A friend of mine got married over the weekend and it set me to thinking (yep, that's the burning smell you were smelling).  I know that, with my track record, even THINKING of getting married again is a totally ridiculous idea.  Especially when I proved to myself again over the weekend why I am not marriage material. And yet... there's a part of me that feels very sad that I'm not worthy of that commitment, adoration and devotion.  So then my mind went off on another tangent that maybe what I really want is more the proposal (because I've never had one of those... it's always been more "well, I suppose we need to pick a date to get this done and book a Judge" sort of thing) and a ring and maybe not even the whole legal ceremony thing but just a small commitment ceremony.  Or, hell, a trip to Vegas to get hitched by Elvis. *grin

I suppose part of this is because I am getting older and I am pretty damn sure that The Girl has zero intention of being supportive of me in my old age (not that I fault her for that... there's a ton of history behind that).  Maybe part of it is just feeling rejected in so many other ways right now, I just want that acceptance and security (even though I know from experience that being married doesn't keep someone from going their own way in life and leaving you behind).  Maybe I'm just an incurable romantic.

I remember, at one point, discussing with a young man (who I was very much smitten with), marriage plans.  At one point, he looked at me and suddenly got very serious and said "I'm looking forward to getting married some day... but not to you..." I blithely continued on with the conversation never letting on how very much that comment hurt me. I've avoided marriage discussions many times since then because I never wanted to hear those words again.  Yet, sometimes, you come to a point in a relationship where you find yourself needing to ask if it's a possibility.  Or, at least, a lot of women seem to come to that point... you almost never hear of a man wanting the commitment and the woman avoiding the discussion.

I think I probably like the IDEA of getting married more than I actually like/enjoy being married. And if I am honest with myself, I know that I wouldn't be able to put up with being married to me.  And, really, as I've said... I think what I really want is to know someone would WANT to marry me and the whole proposal more than anything else.  Which isn't to say that there wouldn't eventually be a marriage, but I think maybe the RITUAL matters more to me.

Finally, maybe part of this is sparked by having people look at me like I'm growing a horn out of my head when they ask me a question in an interview and I say "my housemate" and the awkwardness immediately ensues.  At times like that, I rather envy my bloggy friend K8 because she has Gay Boyfriend who lives upstairs (she rents his basement) and no one ever seems to bat an eyelash at that...Having to explain, in fairly conservative Just South of Nowhere, that you share an abode with a POSSLQ can get a little strange. (I find myself wondering if I will still be calling him Mr. POSSLQ when we are in our 80s).

I have an early appointment and am now looking at only 4 hours of sleep, so I'd better scoot.   Goodnight, Internetz!

Time to reset...

For most people, the Wheel of the Year resets on January 1st.  Resolutions are made and new directions contemplated.  I've always waited until my birthday to reset the Wheel of My Year.  I know that probably sounds really narcissistic, but it gives me a little extra time to contemplate what direction I want to go and to ponder where I've been.  Plus, January 1st is just so CONFORMIST.

I've had a lot of time over the past few months to think about things.  I'm not really unhappy with my life but I'm not overjoyed, either. The lack of being able to "close the deal" on getting a new job has filled me with self-doubt at times.  I feel like I am running out options, which worries me. And there is something I discovered on Friday that makes me really question the integrity of people in the employment world that I deal with.

I'm at a loss for setting a direction for the year.  At this time last year things were in flux. Now, it's me who is in limbo and I really don't like it one little bit.  Maybe it is the whole thing about aging, but I am feeling like I am seeking stability and just not finding it.  Do you ever have that little "jolt" in the moment before you are fully asleep but no longer fully awake where you feel like you're falling?  I feel like that pretty much all of the time. Like I just don't have good footing and could fall flat on my face at pretty much any moment.  It is not a good/nice feeling to have.

For one of the first times in my life I can also admit that I am angry.  I am angry that I am in the situation that I am in... not really angry at anyone else, just angry at the circumstances.  I'm not quite sure how to constructively dissipate that anger, either.  Mostly I try to repress it/contain it so it doesn't become destructive. There is a part of me that knows that's not healthy, but sonce I've pretty much spent a lifetime being angry and not recognizing that that was what it was, I feel this is a learning opportunity.  The worry, though, is that I am going to crash and burn before I figure out how to be ok with it all.

I am contemplating having to construct my own reality about employment. Since the established way of doing things isn't working out for me, maybe I need to take a different approach.  Stepping up my small business production, patching together a couple of minimum wage jobs, trying to figure out freelancing opportunities  There's no stability to be found in any of that, though and I worry about the fact that every year that passes it's just going to be harder to get a job.  I'm not young anymore and I'm trying to walk a fine line between presenting myself as a seasoned professional and presenting myself as someone who is willing and eager to learn.  My Mom got her degree when she was in her 50's...She ended up working for people that she could have been mother or almost grandmother to... It was a rocky road for her. I've thought about pursuing more education but then remember that it didn't make things any easier for my mom, due to her age, and question whether running up even more debt (student loans) that I will never be able to pay off is a wise course of action.

And so... I remain poised over the "reset" button on the Wheel of the Year...still trying to figure it out.   I guess I resolve to have the unresolved situations in my life resolved... at some point!

Carry on!